


Spiraling

by Theeggprince



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Bad Jokes, Comfort, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, just in case
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-19
Updated: 2016-02-19
Packaged: 2018-05-21 15:17:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6056404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theeggprince/pseuds/Theeggprince
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kenma has a sudden really bad bout of anxiety</p>
<p>I'm so bad at summaries, this is mostly just really bad vent fanfiction.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Spiraling

**Author's Note:**

> This is unbeta'd because it's midnight woops. I'm just gonna post this and then go to bed. I'm not even gonna post this one to tumblr too, it's just going here. I got sad and wrote this and thought some of you might enjoy this.

Kozume Kenma was doing a perfectly normal, routine, everyday activity. He was making a list of all the things he needed to accomplish. It was a long list, but it wasn't all things that needed to be done today. It was things that could be spaced out over the next week and a half or so. No one was expecting him to get all of it done right then. On that list was a big project. The kind you broke up into smaller pieces and did over the course of a week or two. When he thought of that though, a wave of anxiety hit him, nearly knocking him off his feet. He felt his chest tighten and reflexively started taking fast, shallow breaths.

_it's fine it's fine it'sfineit'sfine breathe kenma breathebreathbreathe_  became his inner mantra. He shut his eyes tight and wrapped his arms around himself. He knew he was fine, it was going to be okay. He's okay he's fine he's fine. He decided to focus on his breathing, trying to slow it down before he made himself pass out. In, two, three, four. Out, two three four. Repeat. Repeat. Once he was taking almost normal breaths instead of gasping, he slowly opened his eyes. When had he leaned against the wall for support? He shook his head (regretting it almost immediately) and sank to the floor. He realized vaguely that he was crying and reached up to wipe at his eyes. When he did, another sharp pang of dread hit him, this time coming with it the thought ' _pathetic_ ' as he realized he'd been scratching red spots and welts into his arms. He quickly shoved his hands underneath himself, making a disgusted noise.

'I should call Kuroo' was his next coherent thought. Then he shook his head again (less regretfully). No, he needed to learn to deal with this on his own. Kuroo wouldn't always be there. Besides, why would Kuroo even want to help him through this. Kuroo cares about him, sure, but there's a limit to what anyone can deal with, right? Kuroo must be so sick and tired of always being in charge of making Kenma okay again. No, that shouldn't be anyone's job. Why does he even bother to talk to Kenma anymore? Is it because he just doesn't want to hurt his feeling by telling him he doesn't want him around? Of course, why would cool, popular Kuroo keep Kenma around except out of pity. Or volleyball. His one and only talent that was actually even a little useful.

He pulled his right hand away from his left forearm again, glaring at the small dribble of blood. Great. Now there were visible marks. He'd have to wear long sleeves to practice. He didn't want anyone to see. It would just look like a cry for help if he wore a bandaid over it, or if he wore short sleeves. It's not like anybody would notice anything different though. Nobody ever notices. Kenma just didn't want to take that chance. He sad there for who-even-knows how long, mental state spiraling lower and lower down. He didn't have anyone he could talk to. No one at all. Lev: someone else who only liked him for his skill in volleyball. Shoyou: someone who just didn't need Kenma's negativity. That child was literal sunshine and if Kenma upset him he'd never forgive himself for it. Yaku: someone else who just didn't need Kenma's shit in his life. Kenma physically saw most of these people every day, and none of them ever knew when something was upsetting Kenma. He didn't care. He didn't want them to know. It just meant they'd worry about him and he couldn't let that happen. But sometimes he just wished he could talk to someone. No, no, he can't do that. Nobody wants to hear about his problems, and then it becomes a cry for help. Kenma couldn't, wouldn't do that.

Kenma jumped about a foot in the air, clamping a hand over his mouth to prevent what might have been a scream as his phone vibrated in his back pocket. He felt the tears pouring more readily out of his eyes and he just let his breath come in ragged pants as he realised it was still vibrating. A phone call? He pulled out his phone, his heart going from pounding so hard he was scared for his sternum to not beating at all when he saw kuroo's name on his caller ID. He couldn't just not answer, Kuroo would know something was up if he didn't answer. He pressed the green button, holding the phone to his ear and tried to sound as normal as possible.

"Hey." So far so good. However instead of kuroo's voice, he heard the rustling of fabric. He spoke into the phone again, ready to hang up when he didn't recieve a reply at first. Then more rustling, and a very muffled 'oops'. Then:

" _Hey, sorry Kenma. Butt dialed_." Kuroo laughed. Kenma let out a shaky breath he didn't know he'd been holding.

"Oh, that's f-fine." Fuck, his voice cracked. He silently prayed Kuroo didn't hear.

" _Kenma? Are you okay?_ " Damnit.

"Yeah." He answered quickly. When he didn't hear anything, he thought he'd been hung up on. "K..Kuroo..?"

" _Yeah, I'm here. You don't sound okay, what's up?_ " Kenma couldn't help a sniffle when Kuroo asked, his voice full of concern. " _Kenma talk to me, what's wrong?_ " Kuroo asked again, voice taking on a sharper edge. Kenma wordlessly shook his head, then remembered Kuroo couldn't see him. He opened his mouth to reply but instead he let out a small, pitiful sob. He covered his mouth, but it was too late. " _I'm coming over_."

"D-don't!" Kenma bit out, but he knew Kuroo wouldn't listen. He heard the click, and dropped his phone, mouthing curse words. He stood up, his room spinning around him for a second, and he stumbled toward his closet. He pulled out a hoodie, and tugged it over his head. He was stumbling into the bathroom to wash his face when he heard the front door open. He cursed every god he could think of for making Tetsuro Kuroo his next-door-neighbor. Before he could decide between locking himself in the bathroom and dashing back for his room Kuroo was in the hallway, walking toward him with his hand out. Like Kenma was some scared animal. And maybe he was, because at that second he decided to dart back into his room, slamming the door in Kuroo's face. He crawled onto his bed, curling up into his nest of blankets.

"Kenma!" Came Kuroo's muffled voice from outside his door.

"Go away." He sounded pathetic, even to his own ears.

"I'm coming in." Kuroo opened the door, padding over Kenma's floor in sock-feet, stopping just shy of the bed. Kenma very slowly raised his head to look at the intruder. He knew he looked awful. His face was blotchy, his eyes were puffy from crying. His hair was probably tangled six ways to Sunday. Kuroo knelt down, reaching for Kenma's hand. "You don't have to talk. But you can. I wish you would."

"No you don't." Kenma buried his face against his pillow, snatching his hand out of Kuroo's reach."

"What do you mean by that..?" Kenma could he the hurt in his friend's voice, and he felt his gut twist further. Fuck, he didn't want to hurt Kuroo. He couldn't stop himself though, still muffling into his pillow.

"You only keep me around because I'm good at volleyball." He felt his bed dip, then hands on him. He tried to wiggle away, but Kuroo moved him with relative ease, holding him by his shoulders. He expected to see anger, or hatred, or at least disdain. Instead he saw hurt coloring Kuroo's features. He opened his mouth, then closed it again, lips wobbling. Kenma thought he might have even seen tears start to form in his eyes.

"Did I do something to make you think that?" Kuroo finally spoke, voice soft. Kenma didn't trust his voice, so he shook his head instead. "Kenma, please tell me if I did." Kenma shook his head again, looking down at the bed.

"I-I'm sorry." At this, Kuroo made a loud, dismayed sound -- somewhere between a squawk and a wail -- and then suddenly he was pressed against his chest.

"Nonoplease," Kuroo spoke in a rush. "Don't apologize. I'm the one who should be apologizing." Kenma weakly tried to push back, but quickly gave in and leaned into the embrace. It felt good, even if he didn't deserve it. Kuroo hugged him tight, babbling away about how he knows Kenma is good at so much more than volleyball, he's so smart and talented, he's so good at video games, and things like that. Kenma kept shaking his head, his breath starting to come in little hiccupy sobs.

"Kuroo, stop.." He whispered, but Kuroo just kept going, saying 'you're brilliant, there's no one like you', and Kenma shoved at him, hard. "Stop!" He raised his voice, though the wavery tone gave away the fact that he was crying. Kuroo let Kenma push himself back this time, though he kept his hands on Kenma's shoulders.

"Why?"

"Be-because you're lying to me! None of that s-stuff is true!" Kenma scrubbed at his face with his hands. "You're the smart, c-cool, talent-ted, whatever one! You a-always have been! I was only your f-friend because we..we're neighbors." Kenma trailed off, his throat constricting. Kenma shrunk a little under the intense stare Kuroo was giving him.

"I would never, ever, ever lie to you, Kenma. Never." Kuroo furrowed his eyebrows. "Unless I was planning a surprise party for you? Then I guess I'd be lying to you, but like. Surprise parties, Kenma. Or like I guess when it comes to presents? But I don't think that really counts.." Kuroo babbled on, only stopping when Kenma started laughing. Well, laughing mixed with crying. Kuroo looked down at Kenma, eyes wide. Then he broke out in a big toothy grin, squeezing Kenma's shoulders.

"Feelin' better?" Kuroo asked.

"A-a little." Kenma nodded, reaching up to rub at his tears. Kuroo gently moved his hand aside, gently wiping Kenma's cheeks. They stayed like that for several minutes, silent, Kuroo rubbing his thumb over Kenma's cheekbone until Kenma's tears had finally subsided.

"Y'know I love you, Kenma. So much." He spoke suddenly, breaking the silence with a serious tone. Kenma's face lit up red, and he opened his mouth to reply, but before he could Kuroo was leaning in close to his face. He snapped his mouth closed, nearly biting his own tongue. "I love you more than anything or anyone else." Kenma felt tears at his eyes again, and he grabbed ahold of Kuroo's shirt, gripping the fabric tight.

"I love you, too, Kuroo." His voice was no more than a whisper, but he knew Kuroo heard him. Kuroo pulled him close again, kissing the top of his head.

"I'm so lucky." Kenma made a noise of protest, but Kuroo pitched them both over sideways so they were laying on Kenma's bed. Kenma grumbled a little, but curled in closer, relaxing into the comforting heat. Another silent stretched passed, broken by Kuroo.

"I might love your bed almost as much though. Bed. Nest? Best." He grinned at his own stupid joke. Kenma groaned.

**Author's Note:**

> Like I said this was unbeta'd so there's probably typos and grammar mistakes. If you want you can point them out, but?? Also, if you see something I didn't tag that I need to, please let me know. I hope this wasn't too awful.
> 
> As always, critique and feedback are welcome and encouraged!


End file.
